i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
