This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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