I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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