Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
