She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
