We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
