I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
