I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
