i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
