I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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