Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
