Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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