sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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