I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
