I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
