girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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