I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he fucked my hip out of place.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
