You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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