Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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