2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
not ubering you a puppy
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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