My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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