I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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