my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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