One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
