so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You ruined the universe
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
