some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
