I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
