3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
