I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
BRING THE BAGELS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
