I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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