in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
