I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
