I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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