And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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