I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
