dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
