i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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