I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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