Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
