Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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