The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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