My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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