did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
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He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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