he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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