the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
