Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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