if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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