I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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