I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
