I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start