Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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