i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Are we still banned from the library?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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