if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
