Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
