i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize