I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
