She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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