You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
