Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
