So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
