Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Fuck appropriateness.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
